I’m throwing everything out tonight
I’m throwing everything out tonight
I’m throwing everything out tonight
And the first to go are the How To books

How to buy a house in foreclosure with no money down and after you move in
How to fuck the millionaire living next door

How to get healthy by obsessing over the food you eat
How to detox your alcoholic parents
How to cook like a drunken college student

How to make love to a woman over forty
How to write a screenplay exactly like Toy Story
How to do pretentious short films like they do at Columbia University

How to write a poem about something
How to ingratiate yourself to your roommate’s rich dad
How to visualize your dream apartment
How to visualize your dream girlfriend

She’s funny, scary and elusive. She dances like a maniac because she has to. She won’t talk to you sometimes and it’s not because she’s mad at you. She’s just like the Italian tourist you saw at Starbucks with the big brown eyes, and when she looked at you with those big brown eyes, she stopped you in mid-latte. And you wanted to go over and talk to her but you couldn’t find the courage. And so the next day when you saw her sitting on the stoop of the hostel around the corner from your building, all you could muster was a quick “Hi” as you scurried on to the bank, making excuses to yourself about why you couldn’t stop and talk, because it’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and you hadn’t showered yet and you look like shit, but she recognized you from the Starbucks and you didn’t stop and talk, you blew it!

Let’s get back to visualizing my dream girlfriend…

She whispers in me ear that she can’t stop thinking about me because of the way I kiss her. She’s got crazy hair that she flicks over her face for some mysterious reason. And all week long in my mind’s eye I hold onto the picture of her flicking her hair over her face as she’s lying in bed next to me. And then she finally she comes around late on a weeknight in the heat of the summer’s first wave. I open the door and there she is. She’s beautiful, again.

I’m throwing everything out tonight
And the first to go are the How To books
How to book your own band whether or not anyone really wants to hear you play

How to be your true self in 30 days
How to write the great American novel the way a real writer would
How to draw pictures the way a talented child could

How to make chicken soup out of your soul
How to fucking think positive you stupid motherfucker
How to stop worrying today and start masturbating tonight
Everybody now…
I’m throwing everything out tonight
I’m throwing everything out tonight
I’m throwing everything out tonight
And the first to go are the How To books

How to raise your self esteem to a level where you feel more important than everyone around you
I’m throwing it all out tonight
And the first to go:
Emotional intelligence for dummies