Beautiful Downtown Performance Artist I love you!
But I’ve been out here for ten years putting’ on this act just to chase you
Chasing you from your first hula hoop trick (remember Harrisburg, PA baby?)
All the way to your latest outrageous reverse-gender sex role attack

Elbowing my way through your wake down Avenue A
Sprinting across Houston with your Ludlow babes
Crawling through my puke back up Avenue B
They said I blacked out at you feet on Avenue C
But all I’ll admit to is crashing your gig down between Ridge and Attorney

Beautiful Downtown Performance Artist
I realized last night I can’t chase you no more
And I cried outside that L train stop as you slipped out of my hand
And I watched you go pied piper style into the night
And you were killing all those certified alternative kids
You had them ipod shuffling to your beat all the way down Bedford to Grand

Beautiful Downtown Performance Artist
This is what I’m gonna do for you: I’m gonna change everything for you
No more living on the edge of reality for you
No, for you: I’m gonna buy us a house in New Jersey!

We’ll have a flag on the front porch
A TV room
A basement for storage
Sprinklers and hoses
We’ll have a driveway
We’ll have a spot all picked out for the swing set ‘cause you know, kids, someday
All planned, of course
Gotta make sure the house is in a good school district
Gotta research that on the Internet
Oh, the Internet! Yes, the Internet!

We’ll have rooms that we don’t even use
A treadmill in the double garage
A gas grill to grill vegetables on and we’ll have dogs
An electric fence to keep the dogs in
An alarm system to keep the criminals out
Floodlights to spot intruders
Satellite TV so we can watch everything
A kitchen big enough for a little league team
A walk in closet for you
A walk in closet for me
And you’ll have your own bathroom!

So what do you say Beautiful Downtown Performance Artist
It’ll be just you and me living a vacation style life
Hell, we’ll put in a shuffleboard court
Let’s you and me give up this living on the edge of reality lifestyle
It’s all prepackaged now anyway
Just go down to the Urban Outfitter website and fill your shopping cart like all the pretenders
Oh, the PATH train awaits us, my love!
The PATH train awaits

So, wash away your glitter
Peel off your duct tape pasties
Cast away your fishnet stockings
Be true to your false eyelashes
Shine light on your midnight blue eye shadow
And come with me to a central New Jersey bedroom community
Where all the new houses are built on old farms
And the people
The people
Are real, real, real